Major Burger Joints of America, RANKED
Hello. It is I, the definitive ranker of everything on the planet.
Those who know me in person know that I am very serious about the burger chains of America. As a Californian, I grew up on In-N-Out, but moving to the deep South introduced me to the power of Whataburger. Then, I reveled in the mid-Atlantic Cookout, and traveling to New England showed me the magical Shake Shack. I am an unbiased, carnivorous citizen dedicated to eating the various delicacies of regional American food.
But not all fast food burger joints are created equal. Something I’ve noticed about fast food joints is that, much like their local sports teams, people root aggressively for their region’s burger spot. (For example, my Texas friends accuse me of being a California snob for preferring In N Out to Whataburger, but I maintain that my preference is rooted in reason). Thus, I’ve created this system with weighted categories to create grades that explain my rankings.
(A quick note: I have not yet tried White Castle, Culver’s, Krystal, or whatever other local chain you notice I missed. Sorry.)
Weighted Categories:
Burger: 40%.
Fries: 20%.
Milkshake: 20%.
Extras: 20%.
In N Out
RANKING: 90% / A-
Regions: primarily California, also AZ, NV, UT, and TX
Burger: 40/40
In-N-Out burgers have crispy and fluffy buns. The patty consists of thick, juicy, quality beef. What makes the In-N-Out receive such a high rating is the secret sauce, a peach-colored relish-ketchup-vinegar-mayo blend.
Fries: 5/20
In-N-Out’s fries kind of suck, and this is because they try too hard to make them healthy. They’re made on-location from potatoes, cooked in sunflower oil, and cut into soulless cubes. I have heard these fries compared to cardboard. These only get a quarter points because of the possibility to turn the fries into animal style.
Milkshake: 32/40
The milkshakes are the perfect consistency: on the thicker side, not too runny. The ice cream they use is all real and must have some kind of magic power. However, they lose points because they only come in three flavors, and the cups are tiny.
Extras: 13/20
Their “secret” menu features endless ways to stack patties, grilled cheese, and protein style. The best thing on the menu is ordering an animal style burger — extra mustard-cooked patty, extra pickle, extra spread. But even then, there’s no possibility of ordering corn dogs or anything. I get that they’re going for a classic feel, but really? Do Californians just not like fried chicken sandwiches?
Whataburger
RANKING: 70%, C-
Regions: primarily Texas, also OK, LA, NM, MI, AZ, FL, AB, GA
Burger: 20/40
Everything really is bigger in Texas: the Whataburger burger is significantly wider than the others listed, and seemingly has thicker buns. They have great variety, like: the breakfast burger and the sweet & spicy bacon burger. But still, I’m forced to give this burger a half-ranking because the quality of the actual patty is disappointing. Each time I’ve been I’ve found the meat chewy and thin.
Fries: 18/20
The fries at Whataburger are good. They’re a lot like the iconic fries at McDonalds, only thicker and slightly less crunchy. And as the French Fry Lord intended, they’re doused in oils and fried until they bear no resemblance to a potato. The only thing holding them back from a 20/20 score is that they’re a little bit over salted (could have just been the location I was at).
Milkshake: 20/40
When I order a milkshake, what makes you think I want a massive chunk of low-quality ice cream in a non-compostable, non-recyclable Styrofoam cup? The portions are massive. There are no interesting flavors, except for the Dr. Pepper shake––the very concept of which terrifies me. But cool, they have malts.
Extras: 12/20
Whataburger has plenty of sides, but most of them are on-par with McDonald’s at worst and Zaxby’s at best. Their salads are somewhat impressive, as is their breakfast, but the rest fall flat.
Shake Shack
RANKING: 89%, B+
Regions: originated in New York, but is in almost every state now
Burger: 32/40
The Shake Shack burger is like In N Out’s worthy nemesis. It’s flat, greasy, and crunchy. ShackSauce is a big deal, and although it’s a trade secret, I think it’s pretty obviously dill pickle and cayenne pepper based.
Fries: 12/20
Imagine: you’re ten years old getting school lunch, and the lady heaps a fistful of crinkle cut fries onto your plate. They are soggy and unsalted, yet you eat every one of them. Shake Shack, why would you make me relive these wretched memories? I don’t care if yours are crunchy and salted — crinkle cut fries are dead to me!
Milkshake: 30/40
Now we’re talking. Select locations have salted caramel, black & white, peanut butter, and coffee shakes.
Extras: 15/20
Finally, a place with a hot dog! Huge points for that, their hot chicken, and the fact that they serve alcohol. But minus points for, in place of ice cream, literally just having frozen custard. What even is custard?
Cookout
RANKING: 90%, A-
Regions: primarily North Carolina, also in AL, GA, KY, MD, MS, SC, TN, VA, WV
Burger: 30/40
A solid, regular old fast-food burger that gets the job done. Minus points for the shitty quality bun, but plus points for how cheap these are and how many ways there are to “style” your burger. The Cajun seasoning is amazing.
Fries: 20/20
Oh, Cookout… your fries are chicken soup for the late-night drunk soul. Cheese fries, chili cheese fires, Cajun fries, regular fries…I can and will write an Ode poem someday to all of these.
Milkshake: 20/20
Best part of Cookout (in my opinion). Each milkshake is the perfect consistency: thick and chunky, barely able to get through the straw, comes with a spoon. They have an endless array of flavors, from Vanilla to Snickers to Chocolate Chip Cherry. In the summer you get Fresh Watermelon shakes; in the winter, Eggnog. A Cookout shake is what you need to get your life back on track, or so I tell myself on late nights while I drive past the blinking sign.
Extras: 20/20
So here’s the thing about Cookout: you pay $5, you get a tray that you can stack with basically any assortment of food you want. We’re talking quesadillas, corn dogs, chicken strips, chicken wraps, spicy chicken sandwiches, nuggets, hush puppies, onion rings, burgers in every dimension. And they have Cheerwine, which if you are not from North Carolina, just do yourself a favor and visit to have it. Cookout wins the Extra category by a landslide.
Think I was wrong about one of these? Did I slander the good name of Whataburger? Do you hate In N Out? Go ahead and email me or comment on this, and we can verbally abuse one another over regional burgers. I seriously would love nothing more.